January 2009
Girl arrested for pen-stabbing attempt →
Group home staff were on the ball, point her straight to solitary. No inkling as to motive.
Boy dresses as girl to cheat on exam →
Boy now regrets his short essay into impersonation and the multiple choices that got him in this mess.
Mail Carriers attacked by turkeys →
Carrier retaliates, beats the stuffing out of them.
Wikipedia: List of forms of word play →
(via tristanjay7)
NorCal man in convertible shot with crossbow →
Police are unaware of any pre-existing quarrel between victim and attacker.
Scottish Catholics claim gay relationships cause... →
Top clergy insist this is a stance they cannot altar, boys shouldn’t be doing that.
UC Berkeley opens StarCraft class →
Students line up by the tens to take course on game that was released when they were 7.
Firefighter accused of swiping foot is under... →
Prosecutors say if there was also a missing arm involved, the situation could have been humerus.
Israeli girls use Web to turn eating disorder into... →
Starved for attention, this binge of internet use will likely require a purge of their locally stored cookies.
NJ Residents: "It Was Raining" Dead Birds →
Agriculural Department insists they were merely ‘pining for the fjords’.
Racooon mangles Russian man's penis when he... →
Friends say the damage is fitting, since he’s always been full of half-cocked ideas.
Gold tooth missing after crutch attack →
Case is being handled by the Canine unit.
Man sought in bus stop heists →
Police are still unclear as to why someone would steal bus stops.
My Top 5 Artists (Week Ending 2009-1-25) →
The Mars Volta (76)
of Montreal (73)
The Frantic Flinstones (62)
Richard Cheese (54)
Mogwai (52)
Imported from Last.fm Tumblr by JoeLaz
Spitting violation leads police to arrest of... →
Prosecutors expectorate local law enforcement very highly in their case brief.
Man impales face on bathroom faucet →
Family members were alerted when they heard him Moen.
Jacques Chirac hospitalized following mauling by... →
Former French president said to be re-evaluating the Prozac cons of pet ownership. [Link Courtesy of lifeofbk]
weirdest/strangest place you have ever had sex?
jhnbrssndn:
snuh:
copetes:
sunnycyl:
iammattjordan:
havent-got-a-prayer:
saintnate:
justinesamantha:
(via candiedjamz)
laundry room. why didn’t anyone else respond? prudes.
Drum closet, between classes in the band room.
JCPenny dressing room.
Behind a church.
U-Haul storage room.
At Mcdonalds downTown Queretaro (México)
Phone booth
At an ATM in the Covent Garden...
Three heads found in icebox in northern Mexico →
Proves without a doubt that cooler heads do not prevail.
Husband beats wife when she refuses to go to... →
Was worried this would be an unforgivable stigma ta his congregration peers.
Supermarket unimpressed when man swaps returns... →
Police arrest him on suspicion of running an illegal shell game, proving you can’t outrun the long arm of the claw.
Angry husband throws cat at wife →
Feliney charges reduced to simple Assault and Cattery.
Man cuts off finger in court over debt →
Fails to sway judge to reduce number of digits in settlement.
Errant football leads to shots fired →
Man claims he was merely demonstrating his shotgun formation technique.
How wine can turn you into a werewolf →
Nearly indestructible, can only be killed by Coors Light.
Man hit by train, survives! →
Stepping out in front of moving train is just plain loco, motive still unclear.
Man accused of samurai attack on girlfriend →
She finally escaped him by hiding in the bushidos.
My Top 5 Artists (Week Ending 2009-1-18) →
New Wave Hits of the 80’s (119)
The Rocket Summer (87)
Anberlin (84)
Fall Out Boy (61)
Forever the Sickest Kids (41)
Imported from Last.fm Tumblr by JoeLaz
ZOMG IT'S SNOWING!
kami:
:D
I have six feet of it in my yard. How much do you want, and where do I ship it?
Shoplifter gets run over twice by her getaway car →
Nissan nephew are both sought as accomplices.
Son throws taco in mother's face when she unplugs... →
Claims he was prvoked when mother yelled, “See this XBox? Nachos.”
Woman stabs man during card game dispute →
Man retaliates with a Blackjack, woman claims he was trying to Poker.
Acid thrown on children during argument in car →
Friends and family are shocked by this base-less act.
Uterus toy recalled over safefy fears →
Manufacturer claims safety officals are ovary acting.
Man hurt when gun blasts toilet →
He needs to use more care when taking a pisstol in there.
Where's the love?
Are people still reading my terrible news puns and wordplay, or have I become another tumblr entry that you skip over to get to someone else?
I expected SOME kind of reaction to the pheromone one, at least!
*tap tap tap, is this thing on?*
Women can smell a man's sexual intentions →
Based on research going back as far as ancient Egypt, when the royal consorts could tell by the pheromones.
Zipper Factory closes suddenly →
(via heads-up from lifeofbk)
Financing fell through, as their business plan didn’t fly with investors.
Feces-throwing monkey on the loose in Tampa Bay →
Wildlife officials are attempting to lure him into a trap using Rhesus Pieces candy.
Nebraska woman fakes pregnancy, birth pains during... →
Judge sentences her to 9 months of hard labour.
Bidders offering millions for student's virginity →
Doctors to certify that she’s in cherry condition.
Assault victim loses teeth →
High medical bills force him into indentured servitude.
Survivors of Indonesian ferry sinking recount... →
Westboro Baptist Church plans to picket funeral of victims with placards reading,”God Hates Ferries”
'Dildo-wielding dog killer' in custody →
Man claims the charges against him are a complete phallus, see?
Formerly stray feline predicts owner's emphysema... →
Further evidence of the continued efficacy of cat scans.
Man running with flaming popcorn torches home →
Firefighters hindered by the maize of furniture and effects inside the building.