Twitter switch for Guardian, after 188 years of... →
jhnbrssndn: Consolidating its position at the cutting edge of new mediatechnology, the Guardiantoday announces that it will become the first newspaper in the world to be published exclusively via Twitter, the sensationally popular social networking service that has transformed online communication. The move, described as “epochal” by media commentators, will see all Guardian content tailored to...
Police return suicidal man's belongings to his... →
Distraught wife said she was already aware that he was well hung.
400 lbs of nut meat cooked for annual Testicle... →
Spots still open in the Sack Race.
Florida hooker tries to bite off the end of... →
The allegeded assailant was apparently not happy with the tip.
Spanking 'brings couples together' →
livejamie: “Spanking is stressful at first, but it could bring consenting couples closer together. That’s the implication of two studies of hormonal changes associated with sadomasochistic (S&M) activities including spanking, bondage and flogging.” Topherchris, will you spank me? And here I am, up schist creek without a paddle!
Jogger mugged by 7-yr old boy →
Fled the scene disappointed when he found his mark had no candy or Spongebob merch.
Toilet sausage chef causes prison unit evacuation →
Dinner party ruined before anyone could try the tossed salad.
Bobcat walks into bar, attacks patrons →
Local cougars get riled up, defend turf with thrown bottles and lit cigarettes.
Pun For The Ages (NYT) →
tristanjay7: pterodactyls: HAH take that, Moll. ‘Some Whately-isms are so complex that they nearly amount to honest jokes: “Why can a man never starve in the Great Desert? Because he can eat the sand which is there. But what brought the sandwiches there? Why, Noah sent Ham, and his descendants mustered and bred.”’ I think I’m in love.
sparo: The Red River is approaching record flood levels, likely to break century-old records this weekend. Flowing south from Manitoba along the Minnesota-North Dakota border, the river is jammed up by ice and is being fed by rain, snow and meltwater. Uh… As a former resident of Winnipeg, I would be willing to bet you any amount of cash or possesions of your choice that the Red flows NORTH...
My Top 5 Artists (Week Ending 2009-3-29) →
The Rocket Summer (131) Moxy Früvous (108) Yeah Yeah Yeahs (30) Dio (9) Jane’s Addiction (4) Imported from Last.fm Tumblr by JoeLaz
Payout expected in class action claim involving... →
Claimants are sofa king happy the ordeal is over.
Dead girl's parents get truancy letter two months... →
In this case, it was the school system that was ‘tardy.
Police chief checks Blackberry, hits car →
It’s a text book case, put him in a cell.
shutupinternet: The Pogues - Fairytale of New...
Fla. student suspended from bus for passing gas →
hilker: “LAKELAND, Fla. – An eighth-grader was suspended from riding the school bus for three days after being accused of passing gas. The bus driver wrote on a misbehavior form that a 15-year-old teen passing gas on the bus Monday to make the other children laugh, creating a stench so bad that it was difficult to breathe. The bus driver handed the teen the suspension form the next day. Polk...
Four receive organs from slain California officer →
Eight others receive plain old pianos, plan to sue the estate.
NY man charged with freezing mom, cashing checks →
With assets frozen and a mother of a jail term ahead of him, the accused says he plans to forge ahead with his life.
Child injured in donkey attack →
Was found under a nearby table, muling in terror.
Brazillian footballer forced to wear dress in... →
un: hilker: up-schist-creek: The player initially took it in stride, but stopped laughing when they started the waxing session. when reporters asked him about it he’d try & change the subject but they just wouldn’t let him skirt the issue. Despite press inquiries he/she refused to address the issue. Allegations that the local Catholic Bishop was involved were confirmed true, forcing...
China plans Karl Marx musical →
Organizers still searching for actors to play Harpo, Zeppo.
Brazillian footballer forced to wear dress in... →
The player initially took it in stride, but stopped laughing when they started the waxing session.
Robot fashion model no challenge yet to human... →
Weighing in at a hefty 95 lbs, is far to heavy to model typical practical fashion. Plans to top up and purge hydraulics regularly to make the cut.
World's oldest horse turns 44 →
Still ruminating over plans for possible ‘Sex and the City 2’ movie deal.
sparo: Fox News, keeping it classy, recently aired a comedy segment ridiculing the Canadian military’s efforts in Afghanistan. On the overnight programme, host Greg Gutfeld and friends joked about Canada’s plan to pull out troops in 2011 to “do some yoga, paint landscapes, run on the beach in gorgeous white Capri pants.” He also suggested invading Canada seeing as how they “have no real army”,...
Cow Drugs Allegedly Used for Teen Abortions →
Parents of bratty kids everywhere rejoice at the chance to rid themselves of their adolescent offspring.
State Farm recalls promotional teddy bears →
LIke a neighbour who gives your kids knives to play with, State Farm is there.
Saudi authorities bust Al-Ahsa Sorcery Ring →
Detainees were read their rites and will be warlocked up for a long spell.
Woman arrested after driving through blood bank →
Sharp-eyed bystander credited with helping find the driver, was able to recall the numbers of her license platelet.
Teenager held after mother killed with axe →
Father says he thought their dispute had ended, as they had each promised to bury the hatchet.
Rhode Island Strip Club Hosts Job Fair →
Guitar-player applicant confused when asked to remove her G-string.
My Top 5 Artists (Week Ending 2009-3-22) →
[unknown] (120) Cake (109) Battlestar Galactica (87) Mogwai (52) The New Pornographers (24) Imported from Last.fm Tumblr by JoeLaz
Naked teen walking dog assaults woman →
Claims that she was staring at his weimaraner eyes looked kinda crazy.
Boy suspended from school bus for passing gas →
When asked how he managed to cause such a disturbance, he said “it’s more fart than science, really.”
Man who plucked out his only eyeball and ate it at... →
It was a split decision, but the eyes have it.
Text messages from some stranger
SMS from number I don't recognize: Hey babe
Me: not much. TV sucks.
6 March (phone was charging)
Them: Yo waddup?
Them: Hey lover
(note that I still have no idea who this is, and I'm not even texting back)
Them: Yo waddup
Me: what what
Them: wats crackin dawg
Me: My contact list isn't working and I don't have a name next to this number, who are ya? I think my memory is failing me.
Them: Its SCOTTY BOY
Me: What? Do I know a Scotty? Should I call you Mr Boy?
Them: Is this Nick economo?
Me: No, it's Phil. I've been trying to figure out who this is for two weeks. Wrong number?
Them: (no further replies)
Wisconsin inmate accused of biting cellmate's lip... →
Judge to increase his sentence by 5 years in prison with hard labia.
Tram driver fined for sending photos of his... →
Claims they were for personal use only, and not intended for pubic distribution.
Teen fined for indecent exposure when baggy pants... →
The outcome could have been worse, but the presiding judge chose to turn the other cheek.
Man shoots his brother dead over soda dispute →
Both are known to police as drug dealers; the shooter was pretty sure his brother was stealing his Coke, as he had been keeping Tabs on him.
Pope says condoms won't prevent the spread of AIDS →
“This gum loses flavour almost instantly, ” he was overheard to have said.
Mayor of Salisbury, MD warns town is threatened by... →
Swarms of Twitter users also blamed for unsightly mess on town’s war memorials.
Finnish man creates prosthetic USB 'finger' drive →
Already planning a memory upgrade from it’s current single digit capacity.